Relationships are tough. Marriage is a tough bitch. And
it’s certainly not for everyone. As a lawyer, I have handled a few divorces.
Thank goodness there is such an alternative for people trapped in horrible
circumstances. But if you’re inclined to weather sickness and health, richer
and poorer — and even if you’ve just met the person with whom you want to be in
a longterm romance — bring a short memory and a long sense of humor. You’re
gonna need it.
1.
Burn your blueprint.
Rid
yourself of whatever fantasies you harbor about the bliss of coupled life.
They’re not helping. There is no script, so don’t be disappointed when your
fairytale gets hijacked.
2.
Forgive.
Didn’t
Jesus say something about forgiving someone not just seven times but seventy
times seven? That would be 490 times….which should last you through your first
6 months. Jesus underestimated because, remember, he wasn’t married.
3.
And forget.
If
you forgive but don’t forget, did you really forgive? I know people who claim
to have forgiven but still use every available opportunity to bring it up. And
if you don’t want to forgive, forgetting works just as well.
4.
Be a good teammate.
Life
can come at you hard. One of the nice things about marriage and relationships
is being able to have someone else in the bunker when you’re getting shelled.
5.
Grow.
If
you still have the same desires, opinions and beliefs at age 50 that you did at
age 25, that’s your own damn fault. You will not, and should not, be the same
person you were then.
6.
And adapt.
Even
if you stagnate, the person you’re in a relationship with will change. Don’t
fight it. Embrace it, learn from it, be thankful for it.
7.
Find your faith.
There
is great comfort in believing in something or someone beyond our crude human
existence. Explore this belief. Take this journey together.
8.
Travel together.
Travel
forces couples to rely on one another in unpredictable ways. It will also
broaden your worldview and the way you value your relationship.
9.
Travel separately.
I
want to go to Australia and you want to go to Maine? Cool. Take lots of
pictures. See you in a week.
10.
Develop your own interests.
It
seems counter-intuitive, but you will enhance your relationship when you pursue
your separate interests.
11.
Cultivate a wide, diverse circle of friends.
One
of the greatest joys of living is meeting new people. And many of the people
you meet will likely make you appreciate your mate even more.
12.
Don’t keep score.
I
know a couple who keeps track of the number of times each partner completes a
household chore. Don’t do this. It’s exhausting. And childish.
13.
Exercise.
You
owe it to each other to be in the best physical health possible. The mental
side effects from exercise will also be beneficial.
14.
Practice self-awareness.
Take
frequent looks in the mirror. Reflect on who you are and the contributions you
are making to your relationship. Are you being judgmental? Unfair? Harsh?
Hypercritical? Defensive?
15.
Admit that you’re wrong (even, on occasion, when you aren’t).
This
is both the easiest and hardest thing to do on this list. But this simple
gesture will pay immeasurable dividends; it will help you grow and it’s just
the right thing to do.
16.
Celebrate accomplishments big and small.
Whether
it’s a promotion at work or the police officer let you off with just a warning,
find every occasion possible to toast your good fortune.
17.
Surprise one another.
Fill
up her car. Let him sleep alone in the bed once in a while. Buy some bacon.
18.
It’s the good little things.
Holding
the door, suggesting a movie night, paying attention. The reward for these is
greater than the sum of the parts.
19.
And it’s the bad little things.
Cracking
your knuckles, spitting, clearing your throat, picking your nose, chewing ice.
These are death by a thousand cuts to your relationship.
20.
Cultivate your finer qualities.
When
do you ever have an opportunity to really work on qualities that make you a
better person? In a strong relationship, you can do it every single day.
Qualities like patience, loyalty, compassion, trust.
21.
The bathroom is private.
If
you think it’s quaint to brush your teeth while I use the toilet, you’ll change
your mind about that eventually. Trust me.
22.
Talk about sex (but not just right before, during, or right after).
Sex
is an important part of any relationship. But for some reason couples don’t
want to discuss it unless they are in the throes of passion. Don’t make sex a
taboo subject.
23.
Encourage each other.
We
all have insecurities. Your relationship is one place where you should be
completely free to reveal these and your spouse should help you overcome them.
24.
It’s okay to have secrets.
Even
George Bailey slipped Violet Bick a $20 bill every now and then.
25.
Avoid subtext.
This
is a cowardly way to communicate. If you have something to say, say it. Don’t
hint about it.
26.
Put it down.
The
toilet seat. Her cell phone. The beat.
27.
Pick it up.
Your
dirty sock. Your used tissue. The pace.
28.
Don’t over-romanticize past (or future) relationships.
You
weren’t that great and your ex isn’t that hot.
29.
Never use the “s” word.
Don’t
call each other “stupid.” That’s just stu…. not wise.
30.
Offer solutions, not criticism.
Anyone
can criticize. A good teammate (See Rule 4) will offer a way out.